The Right to
Annoy
Charlie Earl
Please read
this entire column because I have fabricated a “right to annoy” you from whole
cloth. YOU have no right to deny my right to pester the living excrement out of
you if I believe that my right trumps yours. It does. Clearly in 21st
Century U.S.A. the inherent rights of “life, liberty and the pursuit of
happiness” are no longer sufficient. An endless list of rights has emerged that
appear to satisfy the longings of every unique person in our nation. It would
seem that if you can conceive or create a “right,” then so it shall be.
Therefore…I hereby claim my right to annoy.
Yes, I
understand that my newly formed right may conflict with others’ self-claimed
preferences, but that’s too bad. It’s MY right, and I’m sticking to it. Even
the government (aka: Big Brother) agrees with me although there are some minor
exceptions. According to BB (again, Big Brother) I may not annoy anyone by
using explicit, implicit, hidden or unintended racial references. In fact I may
not use any term, word, gesture or facial expression that might be construed as
having a racial component… unless I’m referring to Caucasian males then there
are no limits. Inflammatory language is forbidden even if the language itself
has no historical racial component. For example: If I were to annoy someone by
saying,” You’re all wet. Go back where you came from,” I could be charged with
overstepping the limits of my annoyance quotient by using the words “wet” and
“back” in the same paragraph. That is a big No-No. I would hate to be charged
with a hate crime while exercising my absolute though limited right to annoy.
Context no longer matters.
You may ask “why
would I lay claim to something as ludicrous as a right to annoy when there are
so many other unclaimed rights waiting to be asserted?” then again, you may not
ask it because I find the query annoying, and the right to annoy is all mine.
Clearly in 21st Century America the underlying philosophical theme
for governance is that all rights emanate from government, therefore no rights
can exist without government concurrence and protection. Nearly as clearly
understood is that “rights,” as defined by government, are not universal. They
are limited and prejudiced. Government determines who is entitled to certain
rights and the limits for exercising them. Therefore in the allocation of
rights, government decides who is worthy and who may not benefit from that
particular element of government behavioral largesse. So…I am claiming the
right to annoy as my own because the other meaningful rights such as
healthcare, housing, subsistence, the right to NOT be offended, and the right
to confiscate the property of others have all been taken. I find it annoying
that so few rights are available for me, so I shall fight back by annoying the
ever-loving crap out of those who have chosen more substantive rights…. if my
right to annoy doesn’t conflict with any of the innumerable rights already
granted by Big Brother to others.
Fortunately
for me and my self-claimed right to annoy, many of the readers of this column
are NOT members of a special-rights protected class. You are Tea Party members,
conservatives, libertarians, constitutionalists, anti-government spending
advocates or low-tax promoters, and therefore are considered by the government
as irritants and potential subversives. The government gleefully allows me to
exercise my right to annoy as long as I annoy you… often and harshly. Now you
know why my writing sometimes makes you so angry. The Devil made (government encourages)
me (to) do it.
Charlie Earl
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